Fence Sitting (D5)

A dear friend and I have started a tradition of passing a journal back and forth each time we see each other.  It is an interesting exercise, and for someone with a Myers Briggs Temperament Inventory of INFJ an absolute thrill.  As I was contemplating what to write over the last months since I have seen her I came across something that Jack (Kornfield) told me that is a powerful reminder in my life.

"Yes, this too"

So what does this mean, yes this too.  It means to approach everything we encounter in our life with equanimity - or spaciousness and stability.  Somehow, hearing Jack's voice, the soft, gentle low and slow voice, Yes, (pause) this too, allows me to soften and open when challenges come into our life.  For most of us, our first reaction to anything good is to grasp and when we don't like something is to push away.

Both are forms of attachment, which result in suffering.  So the idea is just to soften, and open to the experience, without reactivity, without judgement.  Just to be there with yourself, with whatever presents itself.

In meditation, one quickly finds there is the mind and the watcher of the mind.  The poem:


Come sit down beside me,
I said to myself.
And although it doesn't make sense,
I held my own hand as a small sign of trust.
And together I sat on the fence.

By Michael Leunig

is another way of settling inside yourself, allowing yourself to be with whatever arises.  Attachment research suggests that our nervous system calms when we are held or when another is with us.  Tristan once asked me how to help people stop suffering when they are weeping.  My answer was simple.  I told him, do the one thing that people need the most, and often get the least.  Just be with them.  Just show up without trying to change anything, without trying to make it better.  Just sit with them, or yourself, in equanimity.

When Someone Says... (D4)

When someone says we are saying the same thing

Say we are not saying the same thing

When someone says don’t question just have faith

say I am questioning Vato and I have supreme faith in what I think

when someone says don’t defy my authority

say there is a higher authority that I am following

when someone says your ideas are seductive

say no my ideas are not seductive they are substantial

when someone says your ideas are dangerous

say yes, yes my ideas are dangerous and why are you so afraid

when it is said  it’s just not done

say it will be done

when it is said it is immature

say all life begins small and must be allowed to grow

when it is said it’s not well thought out

say it is well thought out

when they say you’re overreacting

say you’re under-reacting

when they say you’re being emotional

say of course I have well placed emotions and by the way what happened to yours

when they say you’re not making any sense

say i am making sense

when they say I can’t understand you when you’re crying

say make no mistake I can weep and be fierce at the same time

when someone says I can’t understand you when you’re being so angry

say you couldn’t hear me when I was being nice and sweet and kind either

when someone says you’re missing the point

say I am not missing the point, but you seem to be missing my point

when someone says you’re breaking the rules

say yes I’m breaking the rules

when someone says that’s not practical

say it’s practically a done deal, thank you very much

when it is said no one will do it, believe you or follow it

say I will do it, I will believe in it and in time many will follow it

and when it is said no one wants to listen to that

say I know you have a hard time listening to that

when it is said it’s a closed system and you can’t change it

say ok I am going to knock twice and if there is no answer I’m gonna to blow the doors off

when it is said they’ll ignore you

say they won’t ignore me and the hundreds of thousands of people that stand with me

when they say it’s already been done

say it’s not been done well enough

when they say it’s not time

say it’s way past time

when they say it’s not the right day, not the right month, not the right year

tell them the right year was last year, the right month was last month and the right day was yesterday

and what is going to happen because they’re running behind schedule

when they say who do you think you are

tell them, and don’t hold back

when they say I put up with it you’ll have to put up with it too

say no, no no no

when they say I’ve suffered a long time and you’ll have to suffer too

say no.no, no, no

when they say you are an incorrigible, defiant, hard to get along with unreasonable woman

say yes, yes, yes , yes

and I have worse news for you yet

we are teaching our daughters, and our mothers and our sisters

we are teaching our sons and our fathers and our brothers to be just like us.

~Poem by Clarrisa Pinkola Estaves, (How to Silence a Woman Retrieving Her Voice)

Tending Your Mental Garden (D3)

If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it.  If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry ~ Dalai Lama

Ok so what exactly does mental hygiene entail?

Clutter disrupts your life. When it’s rampant, you feel stressed about everything. You can't find your keys, important letters, the right belt or a cherished memento. Disorder creates mayhem and hinders your ability to find peace. Make sure that your bedroom, closet and bathroom are in order. If you can begin your day with calm, you have a better chance of feeling centered as you go out into the world. One of the best antidotes to stress is an organized living environment.

Think of your mind like a garden.  We are geared to get weeds (negative thoughts) due to it being an effective survival strategy.  Any of our ancestors that did not have this advantage are dead.  So this accounts for the pitiful state of man.  The current research project I am doing demonstrates 50% of all women in North America are sexually or physically abused.  33% of all young girls are sexually abused, and 17% of young boys. 80% of the perpetrators being fathers.  These are Canadian government stats, Ok so say the average husband and wife have 2 kids, statistically the likelihood is 1 of them will be a girl.  So 33% girls are sexually abused, 17% of girls are victims of incest - 80% of those girls by fathers - meaning in Canada we have  about 1 in 5 or 6 fathers sexually abusing their daughters, pretty creepy.  Remember these are stats on the Canadian Government site - that have been confirmed.  In your wildest dreams, did you imagine the stats to be that high.  That is just creepy, it means that when you see a father with a daughter, every 4th father is abusing their daughter.  Radhakrishna, Bou-Saada, Hunter, Catellier, & Kotch (2001) demonstrated that the presence of a father surrogate in the home increased the risk of a maltreatment report to more than twice that of families with both biological parents in the home.  That just means a. that it is reported and b. due to the lesser genetic investment, surrogate fathers are twice as likely to abuse their surrogate daughters, or at least be reported.  The majority of people who are sexually abused never do report the abuse.  So all in all we are looking at about 1 in 4 or maybe 1 in 6 biological fathers perpetrating the crime, and more surrogate.  In any event this is just sexual abuse...we have not even discussed any other problems...This is an epidemic, but basically humans are geared to be violent, not very nice people.

Luckily we have a human brain which allows us to make alternate choices about being driven by instinct only.  We have a choice to plant fruit trees and tend to them so they bare fruit.  Dealing with the weeds can be done effectively a number of different ways. 1. Just don't water them, they will die off - this is very effective (remember - we are basically very efficient energy systems, our brain using 25% of our energy at any given time) as our brain does not wish to waste energy feeding neurons that are unnecessary.  2. We can yank weeks out - I am not really sure what this entails, but I think this is akin to effectively recognizing the uselessness of some of your cognitive schema and abandoning them, discarding them.  You know we can do this with asking ourselves - is that true (i.e. everyone criticizes me - is that true, does it matter)  Cognitive schema are short cuts that help us manage and interpret the world around us.  Ways that we deal with the world to make the masses of information we are exposed to manageable, and allow us to make quick decisions.  The problem is when they are negative cognitive schema they come from unhelpful situations from our past, and were designed to work in that situation, but not in a functional situation.  Thus there is the potential to recreate what we are comfortable, rather than challenge it and ask: Is that really true?  What else could it mean?


 So in this garden, we plant some fruit trees

If you have not read As a Man Thinketh, I highly recommend it....here are some of the quotes...more to follow on another post.

Here is a link to the book and you can listen to the whole thing on Youtube...

http://wahiduddin.net/thinketh/as_a_man_thinketh.pdf

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZC3v3LzrWY



"A man is literally what he thinks, his character being the complete sum of all his thoughts.
As the plant springs from, and could not be without, the seed, so every act of a man springs from the hidden seeds of thought, and could not have appeared without them. This applies equally to those acts called "spontaneous" and "unpremeditated" as to those which are deliberately executed."

"A noble and Godlike character is not a thing of favor or chance, but is the natural result of continued effort in right thinking, the effect of long- cherished association with Godlike thoughts. An ignoble and bestial character, by the same process, is the result of the continued harboring of groveling thoughts."

"Man is always the master, even in his weakest and most abandoned state; but in his weakness and degradation he is the foolish master who misgoverns his household. When he begins to reflect upon his condition, and to search diligently for the Law upon which his being is established, he then becomes the wise master, directing his energies with intelligence, and fashioning his thoughts to fruitful issues."

"These tough things will come up - you just have to push through" (P2)

The above quote is attributed to my son, who said it to me today, when I discussed feeling uninspired for the first time regarding my Masters.  Some statistics on prevalence of complex trauma, left me briefly wondering if my doing dissertation really makes a difference...

With regards to the quote, do people really want to hear that you have to push through?  That it takes lots of work?  In general I don't think so...  As a colleague stated we are basically biologically programmed to conserve energy (aka laziness).   Look at lions on the Nature Channel, he said, when their bellies are full, they are lying under tree.  So we are basically like this, ready to lie down, watch TV, sleep, or do any number of the things people do when they rest.  But basically most humans do jobs that provides income that lets them 'lie under a tree with their bellies full.

So what makes some of us different?  Why do some of us have a drive and actually put the energy behind overcoming obstacles.  Why do some of us feel the need to do a Masters or trek Everest, run a marathon?  I think a variety of biopsychosocial factors exist.  First genetically I am programmed to be very very focused.  My family used to joke that when I had a child and took them grocery shopping that I would bring the groceries home and leave the child.  NOT TRUE!  I bring the child and leave the groceries!  My son has the same tendencies and so we tend to look at rest time, as time to accomplish reading, research etc.

Second people tend to accomplish what is in their mind, rather than what they would like to be accomplish.  So for example if you think all week about being able to rest on the weekend, have a few drinks and watch TV, then that is what you tend to accomplish.  But if you can visualize yourself happy, seeing yourself making a difference, then you will move towards that.  At least that is how it has always been for me.  When I was 16 I was dismissed by a therapist, who 'assessed' that I was dissociative and therefore I would never get better.  I knew the therapist was wrong, I knew that he did not know how to help, and I knew that it was my job anyways to take responsibility for my wellbeing, I was just looking for some tools from him (which he clearly did not have).  Everything that I have accomplished has happened because I KNOW that it can be done, not because I hope that it can be done.

That is why "knowing there is something greater inside you" will get you over any obstacle, or as Henry Ford said "whatever you think you can or you can't  - you are right".  Our cognitive schema's (belief patterns) drive us, and that is where visualization can be so powerful.  It helps you see where you are attached to a belief, and then you get to choose what you want to do with that.

My favourite book East of Eden talks about how the correct translation of the 10 commandments is "Thou Mayest.." rather than "Thou Shalt.." in other words, it is your choice, no one is going to come and zap you with a lightening bolt for your choices.  However, your choices have consequences...Ghandi said it well...“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”

So in the end sometimes you just have to push through a moment, a minute or even a few days, but at the same time, know that you can, because whatever you know (not what you believe) will be in the end.

Introduction

Being successful at life involves changing a vision of limitation, where one focuses on suffering, to recognizing your potential and envisioning the future that you wish to create.

Rick Hansen talks about mental hygiene (tending to your thoughts, as they create your brain/mind)...neurons that fire together wire together...and why it is SOOOOOOO important what we choose to think.  It is unbelievable to me that recent stats showed that about 50% of our thoughts are negative.  I know that I do not want to spend 50% of my life feeling unhappy.

"Perhaps your mind is running themes of threat, grievance, and loss. Or alternately, perhaps it is running heartfeltness, generosity, kindness to self and others, awakening. Whichever movie we're running, those neurons are firing and wiring together. So learning how to use your mind to shape the wiring of your brain is a profound way to support yourself on the path of awakening."  

Your brain changes your mind.  Your mind changes your brain.  Areas which are stimulated via thoughts - increase their blood flow and over time cortical thickening occurs.  So how can we make these positive changes?  It turns out one of the easiest and most profound ways is through meditation.

Meditation does the following:

Increased interoception - the ability to sense what is happening in your body

Eliminates alexithymia - the inability to express verbally what one is feeling

Increases our ability to see our emotions and gives us time before our reaction

The cortical or thinking layer of our brain gets thicker, preventing memory loss associated with aging

Increases empathy via strengthening our mirror neurons that mimic other people's behaviour and expressions so that we can literally feel what they feel (interestingly this is why people who have Botox have a decreased ability to know what another is thinking.)

Decreases the right frontal lobe activity which was designed to warn us about threat and danger, and increases the left frontal lobe activity which increases our ability to feel happy, loved, empathy and stable.

For me meditation has made all these wonderful changes for my life, but if I had to simplify it even beyond that, meditation allows me to be curious rather than judgmental about myself and allows me to be stable and spacious with whatever arises in my life.

As Rick Hansen says: " you can use your mind to change your brain to benefit your whole being— and every other being whose life you touch."  

Here is the article by Rick Hansen, if you wold like to read more about the effects of meditation: 

MindChangingBrainChangingMind